Heavy

Is the only word I have to describe how I have felt since I have returned back from my trip to see my family.

It was a great trip. The first one where I was consciously navigating myself through all of my interactions, all of the get-together’s. It was the first time where I did not need them to be any different than who they are in order for me to be and feel okay.

I am Okay no matter who they are.

And I come back home, where all of my changes started, to continue changing, evolving, growing and learning to release even more.

I think that I feel so heavy because there is a space between completion and knowing there is no such thing that feels like muted chaos. I felt a closing of a chapter but am still waiting for it to seal – I feel I am letting go of something more than I have words for and that is an emotional space to navigate.

It was hard leaving my mother this time. And for all of the times she has let me go, intentionally and unintentionally, I have yet to understand the difference between sacrifice and freedom; Release and Abandonment.  She let me go, even when it hurt,  because she craves freedom and in so many ways, we carry on to fulfil what our parents come into this world to start; but she has yet to find it in herself. I want to give her freedom but I can only release her from any and all judgements and/or claims to her love as solely my own – I have to let her go in the same way that she does for me and I share her emotions over how bitter-sweet it really is.

In so many ways, we are never apart but in the ways we perceive a loss of some kind, the empty spaces are heavy to move through.

35 Years ago Today, my mother brought me into this world. I love her deeply, madly and with a totality that helps me step into the fullness of who I am, every single day. I can only learn to release all of the parts of ourself that we sacrifice and continue to carry forward within me, all of the ways in which we are inherently free.

 

That is the gift she has given me.

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