It was both the hardest and easiest decision I ever made.
My mother-in-law had just moved back to Canada and she asked me if I would ever consider living there, too. To her surprise (and my husbands), I didn’t even think about it before I said “Yes, I would.” There were a lot of valid reasons: my husband hadn’t been back in over 10 years, our son has family that he had never met, but most of all, the mere suggestion felt like a life preserver had just been thrown my way.
We moved within a year of that decision.
My parents, sisters, nephews and nieces were more supportive than I could’ve hoped for, even though they didn’t want me to go. There were few guilt trips to try and change my mind – my mother, consistently through my life, has let me go at all of the right times, even though I knew it was painful for her; the significance of those times, were lost on me, until recently. But she never once tried to use her pain to get me to stay.
I knew I was blessed with this.
The hardest part about leaving my family was that, our traumas, were never for a lack of love, but to the sheer abundance of pain and fear, and the inability to understand it. We all loved and still love each other;
It just hurts more than it feels good. And I left, not to escape, because they are still woven into my life…. but to have space – to just feel what I feel, apart from anyone so entangled in the stories of my heart.
I have always collected the emotions of my family and aligned them with my own,
and when I moved, the only thing I could feel was pain, anger and fear.
My whole family is just hurting. Throbbing with Trauma.
Like. So. Many. Others.
Unbeknownst to me, we moved on the first day of Spring and when I did realize it, I knew.. I knew I made the right decision and The Universe has showed me nothing less than miracles of all shapes and sizes since then. I heal every day and I know that my mission is to bring this healing to my family in the truly Unconditional Love I have for them. With healing, comes a growing understanding of our dynamics and a growing space in myself for them, and what I now know through love, not just the filter of pain.
It has only been 3 years since I’ve left and the work I do every day on myself is an extension of the love I want to bring to them, my family here, and to all I am blessed to know. Healing is an Opening into Unconditional Love – to heal from what we mistakenly call Love in our societies today.
We are born into families, not bound by them. I truly feel this deep in my soul. So many people could never imagine breaking free from their families pain because of the tentacles of guilt, shame and fear that root every cycle of violence and trauma that holds each generation in place with their birth family. To heal oneself, almost feels like blasphemy and abandonment to the structure of family, and maybe it is – maybe it needs to be redefined, anyway.
However, when one person can heal, it is Never contained to that one person. I found it necessary to detach, for what we believe to be, our life line, only to find a connection to something much, much bigger. I followed my intuition and recognized guidance to move and create my own space – and in that space, I feel like I found the whole world, not just my corner of it, preserved through generations of trauma. And I found that the Whole World has Trauma and that the Whole World is full of Spirits who are like me and Awakened to its need for healing through paths of struggle with Mental Health, Emotional Health and Physical Health.
It is all the same pain.
And we all have the ability, And The Right, to create the space within to heal
all of which can Only Extend to the Outside; Bound not to Our Families, But To All.
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