I am sure that if I said out loud to everybody I knew that I had trouble using my voice and communicating, there would be a few raised eyebrows and a couple “Yeah, um, okay…You have trouble speaking your mind.”
I’ve been known to have quite a sharp tongue, sometimes. I’m usually pretty quick with a reply and I can find the deepest point of entry to have an effect (Pluto (Soul) /Mercury (Communication) Trine 🙂 ) Which the past proved could be either a positive attribute, or a negative one, depending on how I was feeling. I have since vowed to use my powers only for good and the occasional (is often occasional?) Burn or Sarcastic (Read: Witty) observations of myself, my loved ones and what we are all creating.
It is certainly not boring. I always have something to say.
I am just now in deep reflection of choosing the quality of my words and the projection of that energy.
I’ve always fought for people who didn’t have a voice and experienced a deep futility with them, when I couldn’t resolve anything. Do you know what I heard most often? “This person needs to come to me, themselves, if they don’t complain to me personally, I cannot do anything about it” To me, it made perfect sense that if they can’t for whatever reason, it was perfectly acceptable to have an advocate.
It was futile for a few reasons: I was pushing against larger forces of a company, a law, a tradition, or a fixed belief. Maybe not so much that it was larger, but it was in trying to PUSH through those barriers with righteous anger or victimization that led nowhere. I carried such a deep wound in feeling powerless and voiceless through childhood, that every time I would use my voice for someone and lost, it ripped it open again and again and I crumbled under the perception of whatever authority was in front of me. (Mostly 8th house Issues…and I have a packed 8th House)
Now, I see in my own astrology chart where my Soul needed the experiences of childhood to clear a wound that has been with me for Many lifetimes. Feeling powerless, being unable to communicate my self in the face of larger forces, being unable to recognize my own truth of being a large force in my own spiritual right.
It is not just my wound. I recognize it in so many others and in the way our societies and cultures are patterned in subtle and not so subtle oppression. But one thing is true: I cannot be another’s voice because I cannot create anybodies world for them. I cannot fight anybodies fight because it only serves as a substitute for changes that I need to make within and we cannot push with the intention of an excessive force to break through because problems are not solved in the manner of which they were created. Which is hard to accept. It would be nice to exert a burst of energy and be done with it… but that is true nowhere. ..Especially in Parenting 😉
It is the consistent pulse of change and the choices that lay in every heart beat. We all have a voice to use. We all have the ability to choose what we create in this world. Few perceive Freedom to actually do this. Many perceive Struggle to Survive, let Alone Thrive. Advocates are still needed. There is no shame in speaking up for people who do not have a voice….and Change can Happen from its Efforts.
But the Real Change comes from Within. Not to exert power and influence, but to Extend from It. I am learning what this feels like and so far, it feels a lot like Silence. When I think about what I want to say to anybody who receives my words, I know only that I want them to be loving, that I want to inspire empowerment by being authentically empowered in my own skin. I have no desire to teach anything that I cannot do or Lead with false promises or outcomes. (I truly feel these are past life themes of mine); But with the greatest desire to heal and learn to communicate that healing–and walk alongside anybody who is ready to take that journey, too.
The Irony is learning that Nobody can be Anybodies Voice – But that Our Voice is Truly of One.
Sending Love and Light,